Getting back to work.

 I finally brought my painting of Eliza out to the bookstore, Downtown Books and News. I also brought the painting I made back in 2019 of Matthew. I had panels made for both of them by a new friend and woodworker, Rene, and I stretched the paintings over them. I'm excited to see them up on display at the bookstore. I went by there today to put wire on the back so they're easier to hang, so they should be up soon. 

I've been recording almost everything I do lately with my art. I just spent the last several days dying fabric in two indigo vats, one light blue and one dark blue, in preparation for making more "canvasses". I am still learning how to share what I want to share in video format. I have a lot to say. Do I just spill all my guts on the camera and put it out there? Or should I curate it a bit more than that? I'm honestly not sure. I think there is no wrong way really, but I'm experimenting. I have recorded myself talking to the camera for long stretches of time, but then I always feel a bit hesitant, well, okay, more than a bit hesitant, to just put that out there. I want to feature my art, not just my thoughts and opinions. I'm learning this balance.

The above video was originally going to be a process video of the painting I just made of Eliza. I have been wanting to make a process video that shares all the many pieces that go into a painting. There is the process of foraging and making the black walnut ink. Then there is dying the fabric, then hand stitching it together. There is the photoshoot process with whomever I'll be painting, then choosing the photo and painting it onto the fabric. Anyways, you get the idea. 

I think that none of this matters to me as much as the spiritual element though, which is very hard to share. The fact that the studio, which is just my friend's shed, feels like a sacred space to me. And that being in there feels like a ceremony and is. How do I share that? I went to a sweat lodge ceremony, again, for the second time, out in Cherokee a few weeks ago. It was a full weekend ceremony so that we had sweats on Friday and Saturday and Sunday. The second day I was there, I found myself longing for my studio. Part of me regretted that I had come even though I knew I wanted to be there. But when I got back home and got into my studio again, it became clear to me that that longing was telling me, "This is a ceremony too. "This is no less a ceremony than the sweat lodge."  

To me, it is. I feel it in my whole body.  

This is my ceremony. This is my sacred place. I hope that I can give to the world what the sweat lodge does through my art. That is what I aspire to. Discouragement sets in when I compare myself to other people and how far along they are with their art and the years I lost during the years I put my art on the shelf in order to go to graduate school. I know that it will all come together some day though. I hope so. 

Some day I will make a video about what I was doing out there in New Mexico and why I needed to go there. For now, I will stay in the present moment, step into my ceremony, and get to work.