The Psychology of Abuse

 

          I wrote a paper while I was at Southwestern College, where I attended graduate school for art therapy, on the psychology of abuse and I want to share it here. I think that my research on abuse, particularly on the thinking behind abusive behavior, was one of my biggest take aways during my time in school. It was very eye opening and I learned things I would never have thought of. The best resource was Lundy Bancroft, who has written numerous books about abuse and worked with abusive men for over a decade in abuse groups. He says that abusive men need specific coaching geared for abusive men and that traditional talk therapy does not work for them. He says that it can actually cause them to become more abusive. I felt like his writings and what I learned from them should be required in every clinical counseling program and it's a shame that they aren't. We need to understand this. Also, what I found fascinating was the ways that I could find many many parallels between the macrocosm of our culture and the microcosm of an abusive relationship or family in terms of what I learned about abusive strategies. Abuse is an art form. It's a dark art. It's not straight forward at all. It's incredibly tricky and strategic. That is what I learned. Most people are tricked by it because they don't know what to look for and most people are trusting. Also, most people are disconnected from their inner guidance system, which we access through somatic experience. That is the most important key to avoiding abuse. But it also helps to know a little about the strategies of abuse as well so that you can spot them. It has helped me enormously and I want everyone to know about it. Most people who are being abused think that it is somehow their fault, because that is what the abusive person is telling them. This makes it hard to get away from the abuse. It's not your fault. If you are reading this and can relate. It's not your fault. 

This paper that I wrote is specifically about men abusing women because I grew up with a father who was abusive and I also had just experienced an abusive relationship several months before I wrote this. So, I was doing the research to understand these experiences more, especially my experience growing up. 

I definitely think women can be abusive too though and I've had several encounters the last couple of years with women who displayed a lot of the same characteristics and personality traits that I learned about from researching abusive. Lundy worked with men and he writes about the differences between abusive men and abusive women. One point he makes is that few men who are being abused by their female partner fear for their lives if they leave the relationship, which many women he's worked with do. I think it's an important difference, but I'm also grateful for what I've learned and how it has helped me navigate situations where I felt women were being abusive towards me. I hope that we one day live in a world where abuse is very very rare and that the society we live in knows how to handle it in a healing way and does so immediately. I imagine pre-contact Native America was like this. I think about this all the time. 

Here is my paper. I hope you can learn something useful from it. 

The Psychology of Abuse

Suzanne Joy Teune

Southwestern College

The Psychology of Abuse

     The research question I am exploring is, what is going on in the mind of an abusive person that causes him or her to behave abusively? My problem statement is; I want to study the psychology of emotional and verbal abuse in order to understand the inner workings of what the people in my life who are abusive are going through because I want to feel empowered to be able to better respond to it. As I reviewed the literature on this topic, I focused on abuse from men towards women, both in romantic relationships as well as towards children. This is important to me because I don’t want to be abused anymore. Abuse has been a part of my life consistently throughout my childhood and into my early adulthood and continues to be something I am confused about how to handle. I have had a difficult time understanding the thinking that goes into how abusive people behave and I want to understand what is going on for them. Because of the psychological effects of abuse, I have suffered from extreme confusion, low self-esteem and PTSD, which makes it difficult to respond to abuse in a healthy and assertive way. The effects of abuse are extensive. I do not go into them here in this review because there is plenty of literature on the subject. Unfortunately, literature and research about why people are abusive is extremely rare.  In my experience doing this research, learning about this has been eye opening and empowering. It goes without saying that one of the main purposes of abuse is to make it very difficult for the abused person to resist it. Naturally, that is the result of the psychological effects. Understanding the mentality that is behind this intention helps abused people gain clarity and regain sanity, thereby being more able to address abuse appropriately. I can attest to how abuse manipulates the mind of the abused in profound ways so that the abused has a tendency to allow the abuse to continue and often feels shame or guilt. I know that I am far from being alone in this experience. 

      Most of the literature out there has to do with healing from abuse, which is of course, very helpful. But stopping abuse or removing oneself from an abusive person is just as important and in order to do this, one step is to be able to clearly identify abuse. In the review of this literature, a striking revelation for me has been how therapy has failed to be a help in many abusive situations.  It is important for all therapists to be aware of the inner workings of an abusive person in order to avoid being manipulated. What I discovered in this research is that abusive people know what they are doing and are often quite good at manipulation tactics. They often use therapy as a tool to continue or enhance their abuse. Therefore, it seems essential for all therapists to have a deep grasp on the how the mind of an abusive person works so that they can identify the signs. Because the literature is so unfortunately sparce on this subject, the few insightful experts are providing most of the information. Lundy Bancroft’s work, particularly in his book, Why Does He Do That? is a very thorough and well-informed investigation into the mind of an abusive person.  He defines abuse at its roots through extensive direct experience and research. Bancroft’s extensive work with abusers was by far the most in depth research that I found on this extremely under researched topic. The minimal research that I found elsewhere sometimes didn’t even involve working directly with abusers at all. This, as well as the fact that my personal experience resonates deeply with his findings led me to lean more heavily on his voice in the conversation.

        After reviewing the literature on this topic, I am convinced that this is one of the most important missing areas for the broader field of counseling. The fact that there is so little research on this topic is alarming and revealing. Abuse causes extensive psychological harm. That is very well understood and researched. So, why is there not more research done on why abuse is happening in the first place and how it can be prevented? That seems to be as much or more relevant than continuing to understand and research the effects of it. In the literature I reviewed on this topic, I found that there are actually very obvious and blatant reasons for why people are abusive, and they are not the reasons most people think. The fact that false information and myths are so widespread indicates that there needs to be more understanding about this topic. Very often, the reasons people seek mental health treatment is because of the effects of abuse, but very little is being done about seeking out the mentality of the abuser and the cause of that mentality. Learning about the mentality of an abusive person can actually be more powerfully healing than traditional therapy because most people who have been abused are so profoundly confused as a result and need to understand what happened.  

      Bancroft argues that the abusive mindset does not, as most people think, have to do with mental illness, rather it has to do with beliefs and messages picked up from the surrounding culture. (Bancroft 2002). When this is looked at closely, the relationship is obvious and very disturbing. The society as a whole promotes and reinforces the abuse of women at every turn. So, it’s no surprise that men are absorbing these messages and behaving accordingly. The reason this is so important for psychology at large is because this topic is so misunderstood. If it were understood more clearly, there would be more appropriate help for people being abused and more appropriate programs for abusers. Furthermore, society at large would understand how abuse works and ideally that would result in changing society as a whole into a less abusive society. 

        There has been a lot of confusion about the definition of abuse. Traditionally, psychological abuse has been viewed as a negative aspect inherent in physical or sexual abuse. However, more recently, psychological abuse is being revealed for what it is, “a major, direct form of abuse that can occur in isolation from other abuse. Psychological abuse, however, is vastly underrecognized in research; developing an operational definition of psychological abuse has also been a difficult task due to the elusive nature of abuse.” (Hart, et al., 1996, Kairys & Johnson, 2002, Trickett, et al., 2009, as cited in Hasebe, 2011, page 761). 

        Bancroft states simply that abuse is about power. In a healthy, nonabusive relationship each partner is equal. They respect each other as equals and treat each other as equals. In an abusive relationship, there is a power dynamic and the power is being exploited by one of the partners. Bancroft defines abuse as power being used in a way that causes harm and creates a privileged status for the one using it. This definition of abuse includes all forms of abuse even when there is no physical contact or even name calling. Psychological abuse can also be defined as “an emotionally and psychologically depriving, sustained, and intensified form of attack. Psychological abuse manifests in the acts of terrorization, corruption, spurning, exploitation, isolation, hostile rejection, and neglect of basic needs.” (Brassard & Donovan, 2006, Wolfe & McGee, 1994, Glaser, 2002 as cited in Hasebe, 2011, page 761).

           The myths about abusers are extensive (Bancroft 2002).  As stated above, the most pervasive myth is that abusers are the result of an abusive childhood. Although it is often the case that abusive people picked up messages about what is acceptable from their childhood and implemented them, there are plenty of people who experienced abuse as children and choose not to inflict that on other people. Other myths are that his previous partner hurt him, he abuses those he loves the most, he holds in his feelings too much, he has an aggressive personality, he loses control, he is too angry, he is mentally ill, he hates women, he is afraid of intimacy and abandonment, he has low self-esteem, his boss mistreats him, he has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution, there are as many abusive women as abusive men, his abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner, he is a victim of racism, he abuses alcohol or drugs. (Bancroft 2002). Several of these myths are pervasive and occasionally, the literature reflects differing opinions on these viewpoints. The underlying theme among most of these myths is that the reason someone is abusive is because of their out of control or unhealed emotions. 

         The myth that women and men are equally abusive towards each other is held by a few and is likely the result of what one study calls “DARVO”, which is the very successful and commonly used strategy of abusers to “Denial, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender” (Harsey 2020). Furthermore, a study involving abuse shelters for women notes, “Violence against women has been on the radar of researchers all across the globe. The understanding that it is a global problem that crosses cultures and religions has led to legislative changes and to a search for solutions.” (Sommerfeld 2016). This myth may also persist because of the wall of difficult emotions in place that makes the reality difficult to face. “Abuse of women by men is so rampant that, unless people can somehow make it women’s own fault, they are forced to take on a number of uncomfortable questions about men and about much of male thinking. So, it may seem easier to just lay the problem at the feet of the man’s mother?” (Bancroft 2002). It may also be that an abusive system requires that the hard truths not be revealed in the light. 

       The sad reality of abuse is that abusive people are not mentally ill, nor do they have unresolved trauma. They weren’t necessarily abused as children. They don’t lack communication skills.  They are not out of control. They do not have anger problems. The reality is that abusers believe that their abuse is justified because their thinking about right and wrong is flawed. They have digested beliefs about reality that are false. An abuser has an expectation about the way women (or their partner or their children) are supposed to behave and this belief guides the way they act towards their partner. They have gathered these beliefs from pervasive cultural messages or direct, intimate influences, or more likely, both.  “The abuser’s “value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.” (Bancroft 2002). Abusers belief systems rest on a foundation of entitlement. Abusive people believe, based on their values, that they have the right to control the relationship. “The central belief that abusers have is this: if my control and authority seem to be slipping, I have the right to take steps to reestablish the rule of my will, including abuse if necessary.” (Bancroft 2002). The frightening realities as listed by Bancroft are that abusers are controlling, entitled, manipulative and possessive. They confuse love with abuse and feel justified. They deny and minimize their abuse. (Bancroft 2002, Gaman 2017). Bancroft writes that abusers are very conscious of what they are doing and that even their less-conscious abusive behaviors are driven by their core attitudes. They have an inherent disrespect for their partners and believe that they have ownership of them. The belief system of abusive people is similar to how most people in western culture feel about animals being raised for food. They have a resource-based mentality about their partner, rather than a relationship-based mentality. They are unwilling to change their behavior because they do not want to give up their power and control. The abusive person is conscious of his behavior but is largely unconscious of the underlying thinking that drives his behavior. Abusers learn manipulative behavior from cultural messages, peers and role models and integrate this behavior at a deep level until is largely automatic. Abuse comes from internalized messages about power structures. 

       John Woods argues that some children who have been traumatized have a difficult time articulating it or expressing their feelings in any other way than repetition. He says that instead of the trauma of an abusive power structure resulting in self-destructive psychopathology, an abusive person externalizes it by reproducing it in action (Woods 2003). “Oppressive systems stay in existence because the people in power enjoy the luxury of their position and become unwilling to give up the privileges, they win through taking advantage of other people and keeping them down. In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.” (Bancroft 2002). Donald Dutton holds an alternative point of view, which is that the three core aspects that result in an abusive personality are borderline personality disorder, attachment deficits and trauma (McCarroll 2010). His opinions about abuse differ from Bancroft’s on several accounts including that women and men are equally abusive to each other, which is a point of view that Bancroft considers to be a myth. 

        Men or parents who abuse children do so because of similar reasons. Their thinking is based in basic disrespect and misunderstanding. They have the same possessive value system around children and are also misinformed in their expectations of children’s behavior. (Prinz 2008). People who abuse children have a belief that if children act in a way that is displeasing to the parent, the child is doing so deliberately with the intent of antagonizing or disobeying the parent. (Prinz 2008). Abusive parents pick up these beliefs from their culture or upbringing as well. “An abusive parent is responding to a child’s behavior with this list of things: dysfunctional schemas, child-centered attributions, perception of non-compliance, negative intent, unrealistic expectations, differences in processing mitigating information, low perceived control, high perceived stress/threat, poor problem-solving and coping skills.” (Prinz 2008). Therefore, the abusive parent is not necessarily lacking more effective techniques as some may think. The belief of abusive parents is that power assertion is appropriate in gaining control of the child’s behavior. Moreover, the perception is that the child’s behavior warrants it because the child’s behavior is intentionally disrespectful. (Milner & Chilamkurti 1991 as cited in Bancroft 2012). Despite reports from abusive parents, children in these situations do not tend to have more unruly behavior than other children. Often, abusive parents have unrealistic expectations of a child’s development. Like abusive partners, abusive parents seem to pick up messages from their cultural surroundings. If someone perceives themselves within a culture that condones the use of force, they will develop a schema in which a good parent is viewed as one that controls their child through coercive means (Prinz 2008). This is why an abuser sees their actions as entirely justified. 

      Many men and women believe religious views such as that the man is the head of the house. Many religious texts promote this belief system. Many also believe that divorce is not an option. These beliefs lead men to believe that they can exercise their control over women and children whenever they want to and when the abused are not behaving according to how the abuser thinks they should behave. (Wuest 2008). Women who believe this end up reenforcing the abuser’s behavior rather than minimizing it. Furthermore, cultural roles of women being financially dependent on men contribute to abuse because the woman has no way out. The abuser knows this. In one study, women who were able to gain more independence and were able to leave if they wanted to, created a situation where the abuse stopped even if they choose to stay in the relationship. (Wuest 2008). This leads to the conclusion that abusers abuse because they can. 

          I am attempting to use grounded theory for this study. The primary question statement guiding this case study is, “I wish to study emotionally and psychologically abusive men, because I want to understand the nature of abuse and why they are abusive in order to empower women in learning better strategies in dealing with it.” I will use Lundy Bancroft’s research as a comparison as see if we get similar results. The nature of abuse makes it difficult to study, which is understandably why there is so little literature on the subject. Very few, if any people who are abusive are going to volunteer for a study and admit that they are abusive. Bancroft points out that even the most abusive men deny that they are abusive because there is always a type of abuse that they feel is “real” abuse. He named that he has heard several men say, “I’m not like the type of guy who goes home and hits my wife for no reason.” Bancroft works with men who are generally forced to be in his group for one reason or another. He writes that men who come voluntarily generally leave after a few sessions. Unfortunately, very few men who are psychologically or emotionally abusive alone, will be forced into a group for abusive men. Therefore, it might be quite difficult to find people for this study. What I propose then is that women will be sent an informational pamphlet or ad explaining psychological abuse and will be asked if they believe they are in an abusive relationship or have been in one. They will be asked if they would be willing to be part of the study. The women will then be interviewed as well as informed of the nature and thinking of abuse that has emerged from previous studies. The purpose of this is because often, women do not think of certain things as abuse until they understand what abuse is. When it is explained to them, they are more aware of what happened and can recall certain memories. If any of their partners are willing to participate, they will be encouraged to. The data will be gathered over a period of several months. The data will then be sorted and put into categories. No pre-existing assumptions will be imposed on the data. The data will be written up into a statement. 

                 Ethnography is a second possible study. The study of abuse culture is the basis for this study. Again, the partners and children of abusive people need to be involved because of the nature of abusive people to deny and lie about their abuse and the situations surrounding them. In ethnographic studies, the researcher spends extensive time in the culture, which is what is needed here. In this study, the realities are the same as previously stated. Very few, if any abusive men would likely be willing to admit that they are abusive and voluntarily participate in a study of this nature. Therefore, the study will incorporate all types of abuse in order to emerge itself in abuse culture over an extended period of time. This means that anything and everything that is available will be utilized. There are several active abuse groups as well as court proceedings, accounts from victims etc. This study will be conducted by a group of 10 researchers over a 10 year period. The data will be reviewed once a year and a final written report will be made at the end of the decade. Both studies will proceed with informed consent and confidentiality and obtain approval. 

           Since culture plays such a huge role in shaping the beliefs and psychology of everyone in that culture, it is no wonder that it directly shapes the beliefs of the abuser.  An abusive mentality is a result of the absorbed beliefs of an abusive culture. Some abusers have rigid ideas about the way a woman is supposed to argue, as in, she is never allowed to raise her voice. Bancroft writes that in his experience, white Anglo men typically have this belief and if a woman crosses this line, he believes he has the right to be abusive to her. He writes that men of Hispanic background as a culture group have no problems with their partners being loud and boisterous. Their expectations about their female partners center around the meals that their partners should be preparing for them. If their partner doesn’t have the type of meal he expects at the expected time, he believes he has the right to be abusive towards her. So, the beliefs that men pick up that inform their expectations about women have to do with their specific cultural orientation. Also, one of the myths about abuse, as stated by Bancroft, is that African American men are more abusive than white men. This is proven to be untrue and a stereotype. Which means blaming abuse on the struggles of racism is also a false notion (Bancroft 2002). Religion plays a role in the abuse of women. Although many people who practice and observe religions around the world are not abusive, many abusive people justify their abuse based on statements in religious literature.  Several different religious texts including the Koran and the Bible explicitly state that women should be submissive to their husbands and that he should rule over them. Some women who have internalized abuse use statements in religious literature as well. In one study, a woman accepted her husband limiting her use of the car because he had agreed to stop drinking or physically abusing her and because she believed that “the man is the ruler of the house”. (Wuest 2008).

          After a review of the unfortunately rare literature concerning the mentality of a verbally, emotionally or psychologically abusive person, I have discovered that there are many myths related to why people are abusive. The most consistent finding in the literature is that men who are abusive are so because they feel they are entitled to be. They are controlling because they have internalized beliefs from our culture as a whole and from the direct influences in their own life about women and their relationship with them. They believe that women have less rights than them and that once they are in a relationship with a woman, they “own” her. They have similar beliefs about their own children. Unfortunately, it is not hard to look around and see the pervasiveness of this cultural belief system, from children’s books, pornography, strip clubs, media, advertising, conversations everywhere etc. Messages of this nature are ubiquitous. 

       Abusive people tend to be very manipulative and psychological abuse results in a muddled and unclear thinking pattern in the abused. This is why so many women who are abused allow it to go on for so long and feel so confused about it. This makes it very hard for the victim to be clear headed about what to do and how to deal with the abusive person. The person experiencing psychological abuse tends to blame themselves and feel guilty and can even end up apologizing profusely to the abuser. When women are financially dependent on an abusive person or have internalized the abuse themselves, the abuse continues because the abuser is able to continue.

       Abuse is about controlling behavior. It does not have to be sexual or physical or even name calling to be abuse. When victims of abuse are informed about the psychology and the thinking that goes into abusive behavior, it is much easier for them to understand what is happening to them and take action to stop it. Because of the nature of abuse and the improbability of finding willing participants for a research study, there is very little literature on this subject. The proposed research studies are grounded research and ethnographic research. I feel that Bancroft’s work with men is the most successful research on the subject. 

References

Bancroft, L. Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkley Books, NY, NY. (2002).

Bancroft, L, Silverman, J., Ritchie, D. The Batterer as Parent; Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence of Family Dynamics. (2012). SAGE Publications, Inc. Los Angeles, CA

Gaman, A., McAfee, S., Homel, P., & Jacob, T. (2017). Understanding Patterns of Intimate Partner Abuse in Male-Male, Male-Female, and Female-Female Couples. Psychiatric Quarterly, 88(2), 335–347. 

Harsey, S., Freyd, J. (2020) Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO): What Is the Influence on Perceived Perpetrator and Victim Credibility?, Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, DOI: 

Kapitan, L. (2018). An Introduction to art therapy research (2^nd Ed.). Routledge.

McCarroll JE. (2010). Donald G. Dutton. The abusive personality. Psychiatry: Interpersonal & Biological Processes, 73(3), 295. 

Prinz, R.J. , Seng, A. C. Parents Who Abuse: What Are They Thinking? June 12 2008, Springer Science+Business Media, LLC 2008. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev (2008). 

Sommerfeld, E., & Shechory Bitton, M. (2016). Sheltered women’s perceptions of their abusive marital relationship: Conflictual themes of dominance and submissiveness. Health Care for Women International, 37(7), 760–772. 

Woods, J. (2016). The making of an abuser. Journal of Child Psychotherapy, 42(3), 318–327. 

https://doi.org/10.1080/0075417X.2016.1238143

Wuest, J., & Merritt-Gray, M. (2008). A Theoretical Understanding of Abusive Intimate Partner Relationships that Become Non-violent: Shifting the Pattern of Abusive Control. Journal of Family Violence, 23(4), 281–293. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-008-9155-x

Yuki Hasebe (2011) Parental Psychological Abuse and Control in the Personal and the Social Domains: Comparison of U.S. and Japanese Samples, Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 20:7, 760-783, DOI: 10.1080/10926771.2011.613446