Penland School of Crafts and all the miracles of life.

 

       This little video is of my very first weaving ever. I made it at Penland School of Crafts. I had to learn to weave so I could be in Catherine Ellis and Joy Boutrup's natural dyeing class this summer. It was a prerequisite. 

        I feel like I am longing for something and now that I live by Penland, I keep coming here and wandering around like I'm looking for something. I'm at Penland now as I write this. I keep going into the old studio where I took a concentration in encaustic painting almost 10 years ago. It is now being used like a storage or multi-use space. I feel filled with nostalgia every time I go in there and I always find myself gravitating to the spot where my table used to be. 

         When I was here last, I didn't really know my voice as an artist. But I knew that I loved drawing portraits. And what happened was that I made an important discovery. I discovered that I am an artist primarily, a drawer and a painter, not a seamstress or fashion designer, or even a textile artist or a craftsperson. I knew from that class onward, that I am an artist. That laid the groundwork for me to apply to the Burren College of Art and then find my voice while I was out there. 

         When I was first here at Penland, I became estranged from my mother for the first time, and it was because of Penland that I became estranged from her. I had to quit my full time stable job in mental health in order to take the class because it was 8 weeks long and 24/7. I asked my boss, Stephanie, if I could take 8 weeks off work and she said no. I sat with it and seriously thought about it. I knew that it was a risk and that I was leaping off a bridge, but I had been learning how to follow my heart and trust my body's wisdom and it had all the signs of being the direction my heart was pointing. There was a moment I remember so clearly as I was sitting in the West Asheville Market with my moleskine planner looking through the calendar and just wondering what date I would have to give in my two weeks notice at work if I were to quit in time to go to Penland. I identified the date and a sense of total calm and peace came over me like I was suspended in mid-air, hovering in a bubble of love. I knew in that moment that it was the right thing to do. It was so clear. It was a Mystical moment. I quit my job on that date and Penland changed my life forever. Because I was taking such a big financial leap into the unknown, I had a sense that I needed to surround myself with supportive people who would cheer me on and be emotionally safe people to lean on. I noticed during that time that I had an unusually strong aversion to calling my mom back whenever she called me. I avoided it. The feeling was so strong that I had to take notice and it occurred to me that in my past, over and over again, I had a pattern with my mother that whenever I tried to make a bold move in the direction of my dreams, I would inevitably run into some rocky terrain. I would get scared, or confused or something would come up and in that vulnerable state, I would call my mom and process how I was feeling with her. What happened then, over and over, was that she would encourage me to give up on whatever I was doing and just move home. "I'll pay for your train ticket," she would say. And in that vulnerable state, I would do it. 

       I then would find myself at home, feeling depressed and lost and confused about what I was doing with my life and again, leaning on my mom for support. She would comfort me. After a while of this happening over and over in my life and me noticing that my peers were building beautiful lives, I started to notice it for the sick co-dependent pattern that it was. It was as if my mother wanted or needed a wounded child to comfort in order to feel a sense of meaning and purpose in her life because her marriage was so unfulfilling. And so, I kept being that child for her to the detriment of my own life blossoming and me growing into a strong confident adult. 

    This is not a joke. It really was that sick. And Penland helped me break that. When I first became estranged from my mother here at Penland, I could feel the waves of love breaking over me and the sense that breaking ties with my mother was the most profoundly loving thing I had ever done for myself. It was clear. I wrote her a kind thoughtful letter and explained to her that I needed the estrangement to be indefinite. I reconnected with her three years later and stayed connected for three years and then disconnected again. Now it has been another three years. My life is better without her in it. There's no doubt about it. Martha Beck helped me with this, Jane Goodall helped me with this, CooperRiis helped me with this and Penland School of Crafts helped me with this. Thank you Penland. 

    I feel I need to give back. But what can I do? I would love to do a residency here. If I am able to, I would love to combine healing with art making somehow and weave that together throughout the residency. This is my dream anyways. I have long believed that the original roll of art is healing, that it is a profound spiritual practice to make art and that we all need and deserve it in our lives. It connects us with who we are meant to be as human beings and how we're meant to live. It's shamanic. It's part of our biological nature to create. When we create, we forget that we have problems, we are present in the moment, we are immersed and suspended in time and in the joy and pleasure of creating.